103Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

1022 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

101A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

100All computers run at the same speed... with the power off.

99All computers wait at the same speed.

98An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

97Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

96CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..

95Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.

94Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

93Don't document the program; program the document.

92Every bug you find is the last one.

91God is REAL, unless explicitly declared as INTEGER.

90Hit any user to continue.

89I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

88IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more.

87If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

86Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover that programmers do not know how to write in English.

85Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.

84Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

83Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.

82Sorry. My mind has a few bad sectors.

81Syntax? Why not - they tax everything else!

80The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.81 m/s².

79This message is transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

78Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, hack!

77Volume in Drive C: too_loud!

76Windows Error #F99: CPU too tired to continue...

75Windows Error #000: No errors found!

74Windows would look better with curtains.

73Molimo

Računalnik naš,
ki si v mreži,
posvečen bodi tvoj zaslon,
naj pridejo k nam tvoji podatki.

Zgodi se tvoja volja,
kakor na trdem disku,
tako tudi na tiskalniku.

Daj nam danes naše liste
in odpusti nam naše napake,
kakor tudi mi odpuščamo tvoje
zaradi slabih programov.

Ne pusti nas dolgo čakati
in obvaruj nas vsakega virusa,
kajti tvoja je moč,
tvoja je firma
in tvoj procesor
na vekomaj!

ENTER

72An End User rings Customer Support to report that his computer is faulty.
Customer Support: "What is the problem?"
End User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Customer Support: "You will need a new power supply."
End User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files!"
Customer Support: "The power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
End User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
10 minutes later, the End User is still adamant that they are right.
The Customer Support Engineer is frustrated...
Customer Support: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
End User: "I knew it!"
Customer Support: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
End User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Customer Support: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
End User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Customer Support: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
End User: "I need a new power supply."
Customer Support: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
End User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told them all about what you said, and the support person started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Customer Support: "Then what did they say?"
End User: "They told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

71"Za nadaljevanje pritisnite katerokoli tipko."
Kje za vraga je katerakoli tipka?

70Mouse not present. Click to continue...

69Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

67Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95

66Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!

65IBM creates Operating Systems - MS-DOSn't.

64Alt-F4. Just do it!

63Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

62Windows means "Work is never done on Windows systems".

61Customer: "I'm running Windows 95..."
Helpdesk: "Yes?"
Customer: "And now my computer stopped working!"
Helpdesk: "Yes, yes, you already said that."

60Zagrizen igralec strelskih igric umre in pride pred sv. Petra.
Ta ga pogleda in reče: "Nič ne bo z rajem, kar v pekel!"
Čez tri dni pride do sv. Petra sam Satan, ves besen: "Kakšnega manijaka si mi poslal! V dveh dneh mi je pobil vse hudiče, pogasil ogenj, razbil vrata in ... skratka, sesul je vse! Zdaj pa že cel dan dirka po peklu in išče izhod na drugo stopnjo!"

59Zakoni računalniških programov:

• Vsak program je zastarel že v trenutku, ko ga kupiš.
• Vsak program, ki ga boš kupil, stane več in je slabši.
• Če je program koristen, ga bo treba spremeniti.
• Če je program nekoristen, ga bo treba dokumentirati.
• Tvoj program se bo širil, dokler ne bo zapolnil vsega obstoječega pomnilnika.
• Vrednost programa je v sorazmerju s težo rezultatov.
• Kompleksnost programa raste, dokler ne preseže sposobnosti programerja, ki ga mora vzdrževati.

58Kakšna je razlika med prodajalcem računalnikov in prodajalcem rabljenih avtomobilov?
Prodajalec avtomobilov verjetno zna voziti.

57Ženska v trgovini: "Iščem igro, ki bo pritegnila zanimanje mojega šestletnega sina, vendar mora biti dovolj preprosta, da jo bo lahko igral tudi njegov oče."

56Programer stopi v dvigalo, da bi se odpeljal v dvanajsto nadstropje. Najprej pritisne 1, nato 2 in nato začne iskati ENTER.

55Dear receiver,
You have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk and throw your PC from the first floor.
Then send this mail to everyone you know (advanced way to spread the Taliban virus).
Thank you very much for helping me.

54V avtu sedijo trije inženirji: elektro, kemijski in Microsoftov. Nenadoma se avto ustavi in inženirji se spogledujejo in sprašujejo, kaj bi lahko bilo narobe. Inženir za elektriko predlaga, da dajo elektroniko z avta in pogledajo, če je kaj narobe. Kemijski inženir, ki ne ve veliko o avtih, predlaga, da bencin mogoče postaja emulziran in nekje blokira. Takrat pa Microsoftov inženir, ki pa sploh nima pojma o avtih, pride s svojim predlogom: "Zakaj pa ne zapremo oken, gremo ven, spet nazaj noter in spet odpremo okna. Mogoče bo delovalo!?"

53Kdo je računalniški uporabnik?
Definicija: Računalniški uporabnik je tisti, ki bolj ali manj pogosto zapravlja svoj čas s praznim buljenjem v monitor.
Novopečeni računalniški uporabnik (lamer) je tisti, ki se boji, da bo s pritiskom na tipko pokvaril računalnik.
Povprečen računalniški uporabnik je tisti, ki ne ve, kako popraviti svoj računalnik, potem ko je pritisnil tipko.
Strokovnjak med računalniškimi uporabniki je tisti, ki poleg svojega kvari računalnike tudi drugim.

52Obupan uporabnik kliče svojega guruja:
"Kaj naj naredim: tukaj piše, naj vstavim tretji disk?"
"Ja, vstaviš tretji disk, kaj je tu kaj takega!?"
"Ja, ampak noter gresta samo dva, pa še to komaj!"

51Kako ugotovite, da je bil človek iz IBM-ove tehnične pomoči?
Po odgovoru: odgovor je bil zelo hiter, 100 % natančen in totalno neuporaben.

50Slovar računalniških izrazov:

• 586: Povprečen IQ, potreben, da razumete osebni računalnik.
• Najnovejši PC: Vsak računalnik, ki si ga ne morete privoščiti.
• Zastarel PC: Vsak računalnik, ki ga imate.
• Mikrosekunda: Čas, v katerem vaš najnovejši računalnik postane zastarel.
• Tipkovnica: Običajen način za ustvarjanje računalniških napak.
• Miška: Naprednejša naprava, ki olajša ustvarjanje računalniških napak.
• Prenosni računalnik: Naprava, s katero lahko poslovneže prisilite, da delajo doma, na počitnicah in na poslovnih potovanjih.
• Sesutje diska: Tipična reakcija računalnika, ko je treba ujeti pomemben rok oddaje naročenega.

49Kako veste, da ste zasvojeni z elektronsko pošto:

• Prebudite se ob treh zjutraj, greste na stranišče in preden se vrnete v posteljo, preverite svojo e-pošto.
• Svoje otroke poimenujete Outlook, SiOL in Gmail.
• Polovico potovanja z letalom preživite s prenosnim računalnikom na kolenih, otroka pa stlačite v predal nad sedežem.
• Odločite se, da boste na univerzi ostali še kakšno leto ali dve samo zaradi brezplačnega dostopa do interneta.
• Kar na lepem opazite, da za vsako piko napišete "com.com".
• Ne morete poklicati svoje mame, ker nima modema.
• Preverite svojo elektronsko pošto. Sporočilo pravi, da ni novih sporočil in preverite jo še enkrat.
• Da bi se nasmehnili, nagnete glavo.
• Ko preberete ta seznam, se odločite, da ga boste takoj komu poslali.

48Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes and St. Peter snapped his fingers.
They appeared on a sunny beach with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleyball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people.
Bill turns to St. Peter and says: "Wow, Heaven is great!"
St. Peter says: "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by and all is quiet and serene.
St. Peter asks Bill: "Well, which would you like?"
Bill thinks for a minute and says: "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell."
Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him and said: "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Commodore Amiga to face Bill and says: "That was just the demo."

47User: "Hey, can you help me? My program doesn't work."
Consultant: "What is the problem? Are you using Turbo Pascal?"
User: "Yes, the program just blocks the machine."
Consultant: "Well, does it compile?"
User: "I don't know - it just doesn't run. You see? There's the EXE file. If you run it, it blocks the machine."
Consultant: "And where is your source, the PAS file?"
User: "I wrote it and renamed it to EXE so it could run."

46Customer: "My hard disk has a virus!"
Tech Support: "How can you tell?"
Customer: "When I type 'DIR', it says 'VIRUS <DIR>' and some date stuff."

44No keyboard present found. Press F1 key to continue or press Del to enter BIOS.

43Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

41Press Esc once to exit, or Esc twice for continue.

40Kaj se zgodi, če v programskem jeziku napišeš "fuck you"?
"Fatal Error: a part of hardware missing."

39Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

38BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

37COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

36CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C.? (Y/N)

35Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

34This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

31I was working in a computer firm when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
"PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT!"

2910 zapovedi ravnanja z disketami:

1. Diskete ne puščaj v disketniku, ker se podatki lahko razlijejo in razžrejo mehanizem. Diskete po uporabi zavijte in shranite v stojalo za svinčnike.
2. Diskete je treba očistiti in oprati vsaj enkrat na teden. Mikroskopske kovinske delce lahko odstranite tako, da z močnim magnetom nekajkrat potegnete preko diskete, ostale delce, ki ostanejo, pa s sredstvi proti rjavenju in jekleno ščetko. Po pranju mora disketa ostati ravna (sušenje na ravni podlagi), ker s tem izboljšamo hitrost vrtenja in dostopni čas do podatkov.
3. Disket ne prepogibajte brez potrebe, razen če ne ustrezajo velikosti disketnika. 5,25" diskete lahko prepognete, tako da jih lahko spravite v 3,5" disketnike.
4. Nikoli ne vstavljajte diskete obrnjene "na glavo", kajti podatki lahko padejo z nje in se zagozdijo v mehanizmu.
5. Disket ne moremo presnemavati (kopirati) s kopirnim strojem.
6. Če hočete presneti disketo, preprosto vstavite dve disketi v disketnik. Še namig za bolj zanesljive kopije: hranite železne opilke in ostružke, ter jih pri presnemavanju enakomerno nanesite med obe disketi, preden jih vstavite v disketnik.
7. Včasih na disketni enoti utripa lučka. To lahko pomeni, da bodo podatki neberljivi ali pa je sistem v stanju obešanja oz. obešenosti. Podatki ne bodo dostopni toliko časa, dokler v enoto ne spustite nekaj kovancev. Število kovancev je odvisno od stanja, v katerem je sistem.
8. Če na disketi ni več prostora za shranjevanje podatkov, disketo dobro pretresite (okrog 2 minuti). Podatki se bodo stisnili in pustili prostor za sabo. Pred tresenjem dobro zatesnite vse odprtine na disketi, najbolje z lepilnim trakom. S tem boste preprečili izgubo podatkov.
9. Dostopni čas do podatkov lahko izboljšate, če v disketo naredite več lukenj. S tem boste omogočili več istočasnih dostopov do podatkov.
10. Preventivno in redno škropite diskete z insekticidi. S tem boste preprečili širjenje hroščev po sistemu in programih.

Po dobri proučitvi teh pravil boste ob doslednem upoštevanju dosegli največjo stopnjo strokovne uporabe disketnih enot.

28Trije programerji so stali na stranišču pri pisoarjih. Prvi je končal in se odpravil k umivalniku, da bi si umil roke. Začne si sušiti roke, zelo pazljivo. Trgal je koščke papirnate brisače, drugega za drugim in si obrisal vsako kapljico, ki mu je še ostala na roki.
"Pri Microsoftu smo naučeni biti zelo natančni," je pojasnil drugima dvema.
Drugi programer je opravil svoje opravilo pri pisoarju in se odpravil k umivalniku. Odtrgal si je en sam košček papirnate brisače in si brisal roke tako, da je izrabil sleherni milimeter brisače.
"Pri Intelu smo poleg natančnosti naučeni tudi varčnosti," je pojasnil.
Tretji programer je prav tako končal, nakar se je odpravil proti vratom in zaklical nazaj: "Pri Sunu si pa ne ščijemo po rokah!"

27Kakšnega spola je računalnik?
Da bi rešili vprašanje kakšnega spola je računalnik, so sestavili dve skupini strokovnjakov za računalnike. V prvi so bile ženske, v drugi pa moški. Odgovor, ali je računalnik ženskega ali moškega spola, je morala vsaka skupnina utemeljiti s štirimi trditvami.
Ženska skupina je ugotovila, da so računalniki defenitivno moškega spola, zato ker:

1. Če hočeš vzbuditi njegovo pozornost, ga moraš najprej priklopiti.
2. Na voljo imajo obilico podatkov pa vseeno o življenju nimajo pojma.
3. Domnevno naj bi ti pomagali rešiti problem, vendar so večino časa oni sami problem.
4. Kakor hitro se zavežeš enemu, spoznaš, da bi si, če bi počakala majčkeno dlje, lahko priskrbela boljši model.

Moški pa so ugotovili nasprotno in sicer da so računalniki sigurno ženskega spola, ker:

1. Nihče, razen ustvarjalca, ne more razumeti njihove notranje logike.
2. Jezik, ki ga uporabljajo za pogovor z drugimi računalniki, je razen njim, vsem drugim nerazumljiv.
3. Tudi najmanjša napakica se shrani v njihovem dolgotrajnem spominu, tako da jo lahko kasneje uporabi.
4. Kakor hitro se zavežeš enemu, ugotoviš, da vsaj polovico svojega denarja porabiš za njegove dodatke.

26V avtu sedijo sistemski inženir, softveraš in hardveraš. Pripeljejo se do strmine navzdol. Nenadoma opazijo, da gre avto čedalje hitreje. V daljavi se je že videl oster zavoj. Zavore in menjalnik so odpovedali in avto drvi nekontrolirano. Nenadoma pa avtu spet začnejo delovati zavore in šofer naglo pritisne na zavore. Ustavili so se tik pred ostrim zavojem. Izstopijo in se začnejo praskati po glavi, kaj zdaj.
Sistemski inženir reče: "Fantje, najbolje da pokličemo vlečno službo in avto spakiramo nazaj v tovarno. Tam bodo najbolje vedeli, kaj je narobe."
Ostala dva odkimavata in hardveraš reče: "Vesta kaj, slučajno imam s sabo izvijač in francoza. Zavore in menjalnik razmečem, kot bi trenil in skoraj gotovo bom našel napako."
Softverašu pa se posveti in reče: "Fantje, jaz pa predlagam, da se z avtom peljemo nazaj v hrib, ter se ponovno spustimo navzdol. Testirali bomo zavore in menjalnik, pa bomo natanko vedeli, v čem je težava."

24Zakaj programer ne more zamenjati žarnice?
Zato ker je to hardver.

23Najboljša kompresija datotek v DOS-u se doseže z ukazom "del *.*" To zagotavlja 100% kompresijo datotek.

22Kaj ima programer, ki za sabo vleče balo slame?
Extended memory.

21Nekdo je z balonom zaradi nevihte zašel. Sredi travnika pristane in sreča tam človeka. Vpraša ga, kje se nahaja in ta en čas premišljuje, nato pa odgovori:
"V balonu."
Možakar pogleda začudeno, nakar pa vpraša človeka, če je programer.
"Ja, kako ste vedeli?"
"Po odgovoru: prvič, zelo dolgo ste potrebovali, drugič, odgovora se ne da zanikati, tretjič, noben človek si z njim ne more pomagati."

20It was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great", he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

19Too stupid!
This is the actual telephone dialog of a former MS Word Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with MS Word."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in MS Word, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Mmm... Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, they are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"OK, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh... huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes... the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now... Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

18Windows 2000 supports real multitasking. It can boot and crash at the same time.

17Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

16Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1, F1" and nobody understood it.

15Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

14Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

13Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

12Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

11If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Does it feel nice to have security?

10Welcome to World of Microsoft - Your mortgage is past due...

9Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"

8User Error: Replace user.

7WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

6Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

5Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

4Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

3File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

2To "shut down" your system, type "win".

1This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."